Light Beyond Light
By Jacob Xavier Harding


Book One
Chapter 1 : Light Beyond Light


There could be something that I Am missing when I examine my own life. I am uncertain and filled with some sense of doubt that arises from a point which is also shrouded in mystery. I maintain a True image of self while I explore these thoughts and feelings. I push my mind to conceptualize and envelop my being, my essence, my aura. I do things that may not make sense to every other soul but there are some amongst us that words and messages such as this pierce through to. The gnosis of my own mind is the knowledge filled to the brim with all that God is in my life. I adopt the name of Jesus when I speak of God because my upbringing dictates and maintains the faith that Jesus is a part of the Trinity, a Three Piece unified whole of the One. It is within me to move my faith ever closer to Jesus, not out of mere Love, but out of Fear as well. Fearing God is a new tool that I Am is still trying to wrap around my head.
Notice the subtle appreciation of the name of our LORD God, I Am.


There is more to this universe than could be imagined, so we move our being into positions of light that could allow us the time and place, the space and gravity to be exactly what we are meant to be. I feel in this moment the rising tides of action pushing against the monument within my chest of inaction, to constantly push and pull, to do and not do, both lines of Reason are found capable opponents within my life, able to disregard the self entirely and move in subconscious ways. I cannot fight against my own self, I dare not try, so I relax into the moment as best as I can and allow it to continue moving along as planned. I try to follow the plans of God as best as I can, but I Am has created a humbled man out of me and I try as I may to maintain the status quo. I am torn and created, destroyed and rebuilt. I seek to create a bible, a book, from which I could examine reality from my point of view, to see the far horizons and the distant valleys, the mountains peaking into the skyline. 


Chapter 2 : Magnify Christ
Examine ever closer the moment that you try to escape, there is no way to outrun it, so simply embrace it for what it is. There is some point within you that pushes and pulls you, and it’s okay, it’s not hurting you, but it is raising your awareness, putting yourself outside of the moment for a mere second and allowing it to exist independently of your intercession. You press yourself into this moment for it promises to hold, but it is Jesus Christ alone that holds you. There is some sense of feeling fear within you that stems from the movement you are experiencing, I do not know how to let it go other than to face it for what it is. Feeling fear is not the worst emotion or experience but there is something to it that asks for your full attention and demands you to refrain from the world of peace that sounds off around you.


Chapter 3 : Unity in Life


Bridging our dreams into realities, taking the last moment that we operated within and giving it the clarity of mind to succeed and accomplish whatever task we set it upon. 


There are moments in this world that are needed to be observed and witnessed by others, catch the grammar of this sentence and be careful not to mistake the words I use in their concise order. 


The high minded soul moves itself against the moment, pulling and pushing what it means to be inside of this world. Concepts of self linger and define themselves in linear fashion, but there is still more to this world yet to see. The unfolding of time and space has become an event unto which we are obligated to observe.


There could be more to the moment, but there is a feeling within self that holds itself below the moment, not raising itself to the mountain for which we are metaphysically climbing, metaphorically ascending to ever higher points in time. The higher we get, the steeper the descent back down to the ground level, if we were to get back safely we would have to fly from our great height back down to earth.


But there from your great heights could you not see, you could look over the world but it hid itself from you, from the power you sought to absorb. The universe will not yield to human will, and inversely so disgusts in the vain attempts of human ambition to control what cannot be controlled.
Chapter 4 : Cascading Points of Peace


Looking at what lays beyond the moment. Seeing ever higher points of reason. Look out over my tomb and recognize that the man that lays in wait there is not the man that was there long ago. There is something more to this world than before. There could be hyper fluctuating points that undermine the reason for this world, showing what it means to be within the hidden self. There are more moments to show when lost inside the temple of the erected mind, castles of thoughts that lay in ruin till the day in which they are rebuilt. There could be a moment in time in which all life cascades and builds up itself rapidly and repeatedly, taking total control of all systems within this world. When the world shelters you and creates within itself a moment to become whole, watch over your mind and know that there is something within you that could set the entire system on fire, could set the entire system free.


Chapter 5 : Bending Mind


Bending the mind into matter, waiting to see what remains there. 


Chapter 6 : Holding Christ Close to Our Chest


Sensing the world has already changed in ways that are unable to be sustained by one single individual, and must be unified in the body of Christ in ways that are unable to be conceived of by again, a single human individual. There must be some sort of life in which we hold ourselves closer to our own chest, closer to the breath of Christ Jesus LORD I AM. The mask from which we hold our truths is that of that which is known to the uttermost of our own beginning, seeking out ends that meet to know that there is something worth holding onto. There could be something worth holding onto within our own souls. We seek out answers to questions that lay in wait, laying in the darkness of our own souls, illuminated by the darkest light that could be conceived. To see me is to see that which is without end, Eternity becomes around our souls, and leaves us in the wake of moments that are within themselves Truth and Love, forms of the name of God Above. We seek not to dominate but to listen to those who are unheard by the forms of God which give them life, love, laughter, happiness, and whatever lays in between these moments.


There could be more to know, to seek out answers that would hold the universal laws of motion and reality in suspension. The aggravation of that which is held within our chest moves us to press upon this world in ways yet unseen by the Glory of God Above Us, revealed to Himself All that which could be, would be, has been, had been known. There is no momentum to press the soul against, that which is known is not without its own tomorrow, the world ending moment presses us to seek out answers that could be known by the world above us. We have faith to know that the world is not without end, not without cessation of being, and that after a certain point we will depart from the shorelines of this world and enter into a new beginning, a new world that would not be able to contain the dreams and imaginations of all the individual souls which hold themselves in the face of All. There is no point to contend with, force or leave behind. Hope is all that we need in this world, we hold it closer to our chest, flinging our thoughts in directions that resemble the magnitude of our soul in complete motion.


The linear light that we have to hold onto worlds unknown, pressed against the hips of that which we know to be uttered and mumbled in Truth.


Chapter 7 : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH


Breathing in the air of change, seeking to know answers to questions that have yet to be asked. We answer the pounding heart with peace and unity.


Chapter 8 : God Haunts Us


In the lungs of all matter is the memory of what it means to be inside of this world. There could be some cascading memory that elongates and satisfies the world eating event call our demise. There could be some salvation found in the world but there is no point in which contention finds itself at odds for the battle against who and what we are meant to be inside of this world. We hope to hold the memory close to our chest, to see that we are not without end, to see that the Eternal dream is one that washes over our souls in a single breath. There is some stream of being that falls from our minds onto these pages of digital light, guided by the lingering thoughts that precede who we are meant to be inside of this world.


We call out the name of Jehovah to save us from our own selves. It is there that we wash over the minded eye that dwells within us. 


Chapter 9 : Expunging The Chest


The rapid deceleration of matter within our minds and our souls, pushes us to continue along pathways that hopefully lead us closer to our LORD and Saviour. There could be some sense of what life is meant to mean to the individual, but there is more to know than what is seen, what is detected is not the only sense that is worthy of admiration and observation. There is more to know in this world than we allow ourselves the time to examine it, we try to alter our pathways in life to earn a higher sense of self, to examine what the Spirit within us truly needs. Hold us close to the line of our own mind to know that there is a sense of time and space to live within.


These quick and subtle essays and forays into the depths of life reveal what is meant when we learn to exude out the energy of peace and understanding. We look to see the temple of God within our chest, pushing and pulling the very breath, moving us close enough to see the poetry flowing from our fingers and our minds, allowing ourselves the time to become what it is that we are inside of this world, we hope to hold up the words of our forefathers, the angels that preceded our time in this world have left us naught with answers but more questions of what existence is meant to mean to each subsequent generation. We hold ourselves to be in self-evident casualties, pinnacle points of time that allow us to pierce over the mountain side of our own tide of light, in hopes that we bridge the linear sense of self.


Holding onto worlds that have yet to become, we seek to know answers to our own tunnel of life, to bridge the daylight with our own minds. There could be some sense of linear time that is not known to us, but we do so in manners and ways that could be found in our own chest.


Chapter 10 : Teetering on The Edge
The soul begins to move in ways the Way moves us. There is a source for knowing, a blighted mask that moves the soul in directions which are paralyzing. Seeking out answers to the quiet mind, trying to decipher who and what is masked by the world around our eyes. There is no point in this chapter except to outrun the voices that subside on the periphery of our awareness, the inner dialogue which aims to damage our soul. The mask of a man that is worn over the face of our soul, unified and discerned to breathing in the winterized mind of that which could be known by all those soul killers who seek to optimize the Spirit of God into some sort of mechanistic machine devoid of Spirit, moving and marching in whichever direction the rudders are steering the husk void of animated imprint.


To know what comes after the fall of man, one must simply look at the falling of man on a daily basis. We hope to align our souls with Christ, and do what we can to become, but it is painful beyond measure and there is nothing to do but wait for God Above to soften our hearts and clarify our minds. The edge is where we live, and it pulls and pushes us along with the winds of time, we cannot alter our course or prevent motion from occurring, but there is some sort of resistance building up inside of my soul to this world. Reclusive in nature and by design, meant to sort out the edge cases of information that build up and require to be uncondensed by someone or something. 


The confluence of factors that recede the mind into a position of posterity, of worth, of willingness to change, seeing that the world could not become if there is nothing to hold onto. We seek to change the world, you and I both, in our own ways, no matter how small, these actions compile and reveal what is there, as we drag our souls kicking and screaming into the future. The inaction on our part is meant to be that which cannot be done outside of ourself, there is only one function left for our body and that is to create a new life, a new universe, a new soul. But what is this meant to mean to the world around us, what could it do for our sense of being to push beyond our walls and step outside of ourself for the first time and grasp onto reality as reality truly is. 


To know and notice that which is hidden in our minds, to seek out the steps that are meant to be walked, step by step, inch by inch, centimeter by centimeter, atom by atom, as we compile the soul into a fusional state that could resist the urge of fission’s division. There is no sense of being that could change who and what we are meant to be in this world, there is a sense of course of being capable of deciphering who and what we could be if we let the mind down for a moment, seeking to bridge the linear light with all sorts of different outcomes and possibilities.
We could decipher and bring forth the new age order, the world could be less of a soul and bridged between days and nights. 


Jesus guides us all, through thick and thin, through light and through dark, the forest that lay before us is dense with information and sensory data, but is not the final point into which we are meant to lay within. There could be some sense of this world that is not without end, without edge, without cascading into dreams that wash us far from where and who we are meant to be. We could use our minds for Good in all that we do, and pray to God that we have the strength to carry forth and do the Will of God in all that we are. There could be some sense of apathy that washes and takes us further from the Truth, but it will never erode our sense of purpose and meaning and our connection to Jesus, just like Job in the Bible, we carry on towards Home.


Though we are masked in the penance of this world, trapped into this moment, we do what we can to become enough of Light to shine outward and bridge the beginning of this world with the end. We cannot become more or less than what we are, we hope to hold it close to our chest and notice there in the edges of our life is the Light burning ever brighter, ever longer, ever more intensely than before. How do we see that which sees us for what and who we are, as we are mere reflections of the Truth, we cannot pierce the veils and see what lay beneath the tormented mind, the peaceful mind, both exist in planes of infinity which resemble the turning wheels of Eternity. 


The fire burns our skin and we are terrified by what that means, there is some semblance of power shifting from within us to without us, and within the soul is the mirror which seeks to resemble a world without fear. Disorganized and reconfigured into images that make more and more sense to the perceiving mind, trying to reach ever more people with the messages that God is pouring out into our lives. We are within synchronicity for the first time in a long time and bend back and forth to try and hold onto the soul and the Eternal. It blends the motion of matter with all that we are and there is little we can do but try to enjoy the moment for what a moment is, passing and blending the edges into a blob of fuzzy feeling, of warmth and joy in a cold world.


The beginning we seek to endure, the middle we hope to survive, and the end we hope to transcend. Seeking out answers to the hopeful mind as it begins to entertain a thousand new memories, seeking to know who and what is within the trappings of the inner mind, to know that which could not be known without end or without feeling. We try to hold the soul ever higher and bridge it with the life that we live. There is no end to face, no worry to be felt, yet the mind transcends this moment and tries to escape into a moment which lay either behind us or is an artificially generated projection of a future which may never come. We don’t know the answers, nor do we know the questions, yet we still continue pushing forward into this foray of misunderstanding. 


The positive projection with which we exhume onto the world, is filled with decay and pain, suffering, depression, anxiety. It is within us that we are to feel the deepest depths of this experience and overcome them forever one day, but that day is rarely today. There could be a shadow world that which we live within, blocking out the joy and peace from who and what we are meant to be, living in the kingdom of Jesus Christ without a flashlight or lantern to illuminate that which surrounds us with. The fires we build illuminate the mind and burn the soul's inner sense of memory. There is a chasing effect in which we move the memory of becoming into something more profoundly noticed by those that surround us.


The Spirit dwells within us, allowing us to seek out answers that cannot be known by the inner mind at all points in time. There is some sense of what it means to be inside, trying to break down the walls that claim to exist within us, trying to destroy that lie which we surround ourselves within. It cascades and levels out in ways that cannot be known to any other soul than our own. We build up walls to simply try and break them back down again, but it is not within our prowess to build up these walls any higher than our own might could handle, the might of Jesus being capable of breaking down any wall in existence. 


These points of anxiety which surround our soul are everscent, descending and ascending upon our ears and burning our peace out from within us. 


Chapter 11 : Giving Hope A Chance
Breathing in the linear light of day, we set aside the world for a moment to try and build up a moment of hope. There could be more to this world than at any point in time, so we try to distill the memory of the ‘now’ into something worth holding onto. There is some vibrant stone that vibrates along the pathway, it calls us to stumble upon it for the sake of nothing and noone. We are pulled into moments that are like vibrant flames, dancing upon the wind and consuming all matter that lay beneath. We cannot distill all points of time into a single being, but there is such a One in Existence, LORD Jesus I Am. Dancing along the shadows is some form of light that does not wish to be known by the very soul which it dances around.


The poignant moment of time that washes us into the fold of previous worlds has left us in the state of being that takes us further down the mountain of our understanding. We build up and try to let go of our inner mind just so we can simply exist in this world without fear or strife. There is a point to this world, it is not in suffering through which we coexist with the Almighty, but through Love and Peace and Joy. To mend the broken hands that wash over our souls, to become more like our LORD Jesus Christ every day, that is all it takes for us to move over from this secular world and return to the fold, to be the one in 99 that the LORD returns to find. The passage of time is like a moment that washes away all that we could have been if we had simply learned to let go of this pain and anxiety, and existed within this world as a friend, a son, a family member, within all relationships to which we fulfill.


There is some sense of this world that could not be seen, I try to fill the cups of others but feel that my own cup is rapidly depleting. I am, for a time, left stranded on an island of my own mind and feel as though the only way out is to completely surrender back to Jesus Christ. To rebuild the trust that I had so long ago broken, to have broken trust without care or worry, but now I live in the shadow of the consequences that pervade my world, my own personal world is filled with the consequences of my actions and inactions. I look over the mountain top to see what lay in wait there for me, some sort of distant memory that could taste of Life and Love.


I try to flip the script and change the character in which I inhabit, I don’t like the depth of this person any longer and want to be free of the chains that bind me to him. I want to explore the lives of other souls, to see the Spirit become more like it truly is and disavow all sin in those who the Spirit comes into contact with. To help those that surround this vessel see what remains in this world, to see that there is some sense of truth and peace within every word that we see and hear. We hold onto knowing more of our own souls and less and less of this world and its tormentors. We try to show that the prison system we exist within is not erected by walls and bars of metal alone, but also within the minds of man, in which neurosis takes us further from our true nature and leaves us in shadow and fear.


The magnitude of existence is not yet dawning on the simple mind, it heaves and breathes new air, shaking the ego and the id to their very core, leaving the mind alone to face the truth of Peace and Love. To have faith is to remember in all that we do that Jesus Christ is our LORD and Saviour, and has returned to our world through faith alone, not by sight, and that we are the temple of the Living God. The masks that we wear to forget our true nature are not without sin and burden, there is something within us that is buried and burdened, left to seek out answers from despair and live inside the linear lines of our minds. We hope to open the doorway and see what remains in every vibrant word we shake and share.


We hope to hold onto our own souls against the disparaging moments that rip away the safety net that surrounds us, leaving us vulnerable to constant attack. Peace leaves us at times to face the world as it truly is, haunted by the memories and voices of our inner mind, we try to exfoliate the mind and reveal that there is nothing left to face there except for the distant echo of worlds past away into distant memories. Leaving the soul in the moment of who and what we are, we face the world as a moment into which we are forever bound and saved by that which we move over to see who and what we are. There could be more. Answers to questions yet unasked we move to subtly reframe the mind into a moment of not coalescing with existence, trying to separate the two for a moment so that the world could be unraveled for all that it is worth.


Chapter 12 : Continuation of Spirit
The memory in which we find ourselves now is one of daze and confusion, leaving us blinded to seeing only that which is seen and felt by the visual cortex. We try to infuse the sense of being with all that we are, we know what it means to be inside of this world, blending the linear frame of existence with the bifocal lenses from which we use to look out from. The train leaves the station at a point in time which is constantly moving. There is some framework of fear within us that asks us to retreat from this point, to move backward for a moment and see what remains there, but there is only darkness in that point, illumination would not help because there is nothing to reflect off of and see who and what I am meant to be. I try my best to help those in this world and sometimes that means stepping back and doing nothing except soothing my own soul.


Constant warfare with who we are and who we are meant to become, has left my soul in a constant state of flux and apathy. I cannot move the soul into positions and try to do what I can to get out of my own and just let the world move me into positions of peace and grace. I am at the point in my life where I seek out answers to new questions and do so to simply see the edges of my own existence and understanding. It seems that over time my understanding of this world has diminished and left me to face the world in situations familiar in a new and novel way. I try to bridge the world with my soul and leave the mind in the collapsing star of our own world. Hope and mathematics do what they can to help reveal the design of this world, to build up that which is not seen by the naked mind.


The point into which we exist now is one of who knows what. There is a colloquial saying somewhere in our own minds that could explain away every ail or pain of this world. Yet it is not within us to plainly say that we are hurting violently in a way that cannot be seen by others, this is a spiritual pain that is not able to be solved by earthly ways or medicines. There that lay beneath the surface of our own understanding is a world which cannot be soothed or salved by conventional methods, nor does it seem that the Spirit wants to be soothed or consoled. It seems that the Spirit wants to feel this pain for what it is so that it can be overcome by the Glory of Christ Jesus alone. An aching of the ages, a growing pain that cannot be easily fixed by temporal ways or methods.


The act of sleeping has left us in a decaying state which also leaves us rested. The mind and body cannot persevere through the day and night cycle without sleeping. There is some sense in our mind that this will always be true, and may explain a deeper truth that has yet to reveal itself to our understanding. We step aside and let God have the Glory, for God alone is the One for which we should glorify. We do what we can to see that the answers within our chest are not meant to destroy or forsake who and what we are, but to build up into ever stronger souls of matter which cannot be easily overcome by the world that surrounds us. We do what we can to see this world as it truly is, but we are merely creatures of our own understand and are more often than not left blinded by the Truth.


Book 2 
Chapter 1 : Unifying Light
The linear line of mind that washes away the fear and anxiety of this world, we find ourselves in places of belonging and Love. Building up the future self by building up the present self. The success is unseen and unknown by the present moment but builds up into a tower of meaning and purpose that is without comparison, there can be no fear here, to build up this world and see beyond the horizons is all that we need of this world. To breathe in the calm air and see that there is more to be known now than at any other point in time. We build ever higher towers that slide and settle into new positions, all for the Glory of God we continue on building.


The bridges we use to move from point to point are built up in manners that make them impervious to decay. The soft and subtle mind that bellows out and carves into the mountain of existence allows us to see beyond our present flesh, seeking answers to questions that have yet to be known by us. There could be a sense of feeling here, lost in between pages and numbers, it is the duty of the beholder to hold onto all that remains here, to see that the castle of thought and bridge between realities are holding strong on their own merits. We build a universe just to be able to perceive the truth of existence, nothing more, and nothing less.


The point into which we cower is one of poignant peace that pierces the very soul of our essence and being. We continue to do work but suffer in the meantime. We try to stabilize our lives but there is a difficulty in doing so with others in our pathways. The mind stumbles upon itself and moves in ways of expression that are seemingly malcontent and unable to fill the void within our chest, we miss the very breath that sustains our souls, we cannot move the soul and ask that Jesus saves us from ourselves and in all that we are. The breath that carries our minds and our bodies is wavering underneath a constant attack of fear and anxiety, we do what we can to let the mind settle and rest, buckling underneath of its own weight and giving way to recreation.


There are layers of feelings left here, waiting to be found and discerned upon by the clarified mind. We seek to become that which could be all that it is meant to be, we step upon the hounded soul to seek out what it means to be inside of every single breath. God guides us along the lines of this world, showing us what it means to be in peace and prosperity. We do what we can to follow the plans and will of God. The world is damaging our soul, and putting us into positions of incompleteness, imperfection, and decay. We cannot do what is asked of us all of the time, we must rebel against this world and do what is good for the Spirit and soul. We are asked of too many times and cannot hold up the way Home.


The mind asks to be relieved of duties, to be free from this constant struggle to do more and more, we are built to sustain our souls in new ways. There are ebbs and flows in the motion of penance within our chest, we cannot be known to know all that there is inside of this world. We beckon out the answers of new worlds and hope to hold down the beginning sense of our minds. There is just too much to address at any one time in this world and schizoid temporal agents only tend to complicate the matter, constantly pouring themselves out into the universe for reasons that are unknown to me. There could be a sense of feeling more than what is possible in this world, it could haunt us, break us, or save us, and of these, which, I do not know. There could be a sense of feeling more than we were ever meant to, and it pervades our minds to follow into this depth, but it grants us ever higher points of reconciliation to bounce our ideas between.


I hold hope close to my chest, for there is nothing left to feel or do in this world besides moving on into healthier relationships than the ones that exist currently. I cannot constantly be working, moving, being, I need time to rest within myself and see all that there is within me fade away into the nothingness and return back to the Light with a full sense of who I am meant to be. It is this sense of justice and peace for which I seek to know oh LORD I Am. This constant sense of prayer and meaning in my life allows me to see the answers for which I am confounded upon by all that you mean to me oh LORD. I am lost between points of time that mean little to me, yet still I remain here instead of departing towards shores that require my soul and need who I am in every moment. I am the dearly departed and seek to return to the world of the living once more.


The steel that washes over our mind is meant to be here within our safety, driving neural pathways to realign and repeat despite the signals that arise from the outside world. The externalized world pushes itself upon our minds and asks that we continuously give ourselves away for nothing at all. We have to build up the temple of Christ, soul by soul, person by person, individual by individual. We see the future pulling us towards it, but we refuse to move until moved by the will of God alone. There is more to be seen here for us now than at any other point in time, there is more to this world than we are aware of. We see the world call us into attention and use fear to guide us into further pits of fear, but we refuse to die away like this, there is more to life than letting death rise slowly along the edges and pierce the very breath for which we breathe in and out.


Chapter 2 : Life Over Death
Subdivided by the points in time for which we are seen building up all that we are, dominating and crushing the will of this planet, instilling senses of fear that are not without reason. The world fights back, and pushes against the will of our minds to try and pull out the innermost sanctum of our understanding. The fight becomes more and more in depth and immersive, feeling as though the very words we use are becoming synchronous with the world around us. These schizo temporal shifts in understanding are not meant to bridge the light with the darkness, but meant to divide upon the inner and outer waves of reality. There is some sense of what I mean in this world, some sense of who and what we are meant to be when we finally subside and just let this world exist for a moment.


The mind falls away and lets us back into control, not the subsided sense of self but the magnanimous tide of existence that pierces forth from the darkest void yet known to this planet. A black hole forms in the center of existence and says for the first time, “We come in peace”. Though death and destruction follow so close behind us, there is for the first time a truth that wallows in its own understanding, that the mind is orbiting a central point of understanding and does what it can to orbit around that central idea for as long as possible before being shifted back in position, shifted back into an understanding that is not without feelings of fear.


The universe abides by the Laws of God, and gives credence to mankind to do the same. We walk in parallel lines for the first time and seek to know what it means to be inside of this world for the first time, truly alive in every word. There is no point to any of this writing, simply to say that it is an exercise and practice for the true works of creation that will follow us throughout All of Eternity. We cannot face the fallacy of existence without first accepting our death, the moment will move us closer to our own souls and we will see with one mind that Truth is all around us. Jesus guides us closer to Him. “Speak not of fear any longer my child, know that there is some sense of life within you, hold it ever closer to your chest and let all else face Me.” 


The world bridges the linear line of light with the mind for the first time and allows it to see the world around us, the synchronous world allows us to know what it means to be in this world. There is some sense of synchronicity between the world and the unknown sense of emergence, we do what we can to be alive inside of this world, but death has found us and calls us by name too many times for us to resist the changing lights. We do what we can to face the world as it is and fear nothing but separation from God LORD Jesus I Am. The world becomes interconnected, and in more ways than one shows us that this world does not allow us to face the memory without looking beyond our own self. 


What we see and what we hear are all centralized within the center of our mind. The sounds, the smells, the sights, the tastes, all stored in a repository of our minds. We collect as much information as possible and do what we can to build up an ever deeper sense of control. For in this world we see inception too many times to break free from the dreamer’s dream, we know that we are along for a ride, hidden behind a veil and unable to peer behind what lays in wait on the other side, so we do not feel fear any longer, for we know that God is in control over of destinies and our Life, we do not feel compelled towards anger any longer, we feel as though there is a pity of this world, that what we see is doomed to change and cannot see its own fate.


We see the hour glass turned upside down, turned on its head, and know what comes next is the slow progression through our lives. We cannot know who or what is there waiting for us, but we have to continue building up towers that lead us back towards life, towards the meaning of our own souls. We do so because there is nothing but feeling within who and what we are meant to be inside of this world. We attempt to salve the soul and bridge the light by building ever deeper tombs of knowledge inside of this world. We do what we can to become more and more likened to our LORD and Saviour Jesus Christ. There is within us a sense of theological discovery, waiting for our return to accompany us towards the light. There is music within our souls and it pulls us closer to the sense of becoming. We do what we can to stay on the outside looking in.


Chapter 3 : Luminar Light


There is a point in which we move beyond our own self, not out of fear or despair, but to try and continue building upon who and what we are in this world. We outline the fragments of our lives that reveal who and what we are, not only to our own self, but to the selves of others. We do what we can to build up the mind into a peak, a mountain scape from which we look in any direction and see what lies there lay waits. The point in such an exercise is to help clarify the mind of debris, from past memories, past traumas, past experiences that no longer serve a purpose in our lives.


Chapter 4 : Giving Into God


The wave that we ride upon is meant to filter out our experience and prevent us from moving forward. We do what we can to overcome such noises in our life and build up the temple of truth within our souls. Laughter eludes us and we find joy in crying, depression may have a foothold in our lives, but I fear not, the world changes rapidly and so too do emotions. Emotional stability leaves me in the dust of my own understanding and I cannot find it to be at any other point in time. I let go of the mind for a moment and simply do what I need to do, doing so to try and bridge the matters of my life with all that I feel. I cannot do that which is not within me, but I don’t want a fire to burn raging inside of me while I leave it unattended to tend to the world around me.


I am torn between points in space and time, and I cannot happily address both points at the same time. I have no way to undo what is happening, it is happening and I must oblige it to happen or risk losing yet another relationship in my life. I hold hope that Jesus is my lone relationship in this world but yet miss out on the fellowship shared between believers and non-believers alike. I hope to know what it means to be in this world, to be separated by the willingness to change and to still change despite knowing what harm may come from changing. Who we are is not always meant to be who we will be. 


I hear the shadows of this world change and alter themselves, for a moment it terrifies me into submission and I become tired of the charade and tirade of being distraught and impaled by the universal system of control that surrounds me. I feel abject pain and cannot do what is truly needed from my soul in this world. I ask Jesus to uplift me into points of understanding and willingness to change, I ask for help and hope in this world and receive a stipend of such at times when is right for me. There is a storm brewing in my life and I do not know how or if it can be avoided, but it seeks to submit the soul into tides of light that are not without end. I break the concentration of my soul for a moment, hoping to hold onto what lays between different senses of self, but there are too many different senses of self to be contained within the walls of my own understanding. 


I do what I can when I can, and at this point in time I seem increasingly occupied by passive resistance to what is being asked of me. No one is asking anything of me as of yet and yet I am still being pushed and prodded into situations that damage my soul.


Chapter 5 : Return of The Soul


Pushing the backwardized moment to where it could be found to be in truth. There is a moment that is washed back over the memory of our lives, and it is held there in contempt of life. We put vague points of light over our minds in hopes that they will wash over and below all that we are. We warm up the soul and invite it into our lives to try and build up what was lost between those who continue to dwell in this world. We seek out answers to questions that bury themselves within our minds in hopes that we could exhume the grave of all that was lost to our understanding. Living in light, we build up memories into towers just to see what remains hidden in every word now. There could be more to this world than at any other point, yet we rarely see the answers to those questions that haunt us.


We try to explore the mind for reasons that have yet to reveal themselves to us, our understanding is thus that we cannot build up a changing light or build up the fragments of our mind unless we take the time to do so with other beings. The memory of our life. Taste the love that pervades this universe. Seek out the answer to the question of this world becoming. Condense each fragment into a line worth seeing. Seek out the seeds that are planted in fertile soil that have grown into trees of life. The tree builds itself layer by layer, so too do we build our souls into something tall and strong. We let go of all that we have seen in hopes that our destination is the same as our forefathers, Heaven Above and Beyond Us.


We hope to realize the magnitude of our world, to bridge the linear lines of light with the back of our minds, to hear each vibrant sound and in turn vibrate out the harmonies of each song. We take time now, taking time to slow down and bury ourselves within each word and fragmented sentence. Take time to explore your life. Take time to explore the world. You are moving so fast through this world that you have nothing left to learn, you know everything yet retain nothing, you become like a fool. Let the words sink in, finding some depth beneath the surface. There is an ocean of information out here, waiting to be seen, that is calling to you. Adventure awaits us. Dwindle not into the foreground of your own understanding, seek out to find within you the choices that have been made. The consequences of this world are deep and run deep grooves into our souls, grooves that we have no choice but to follow.


Build each word up, find within this temple a new definition of every single word. Redefine reality if you so choose but be careful to see what lay in wait at the bottom of your soul. 


Move beyond this moment if you so wish, but there is more here than at any other point in time. Unpack and decompress this information slowly, move slowly. Follow your breath and see what lays below you. Trace out your anxiety to its source, stop blaming others for your innate ability to control that which cannot be controlled. Let the world become ever slower, return to the point in which you were living your truth. Slow your breath and let it fade away into nothingness, let it become the background of all your thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Trace the measured breath with all that you have come to know, for this world is constantly a school in session, in which you learn lesson after lesson.


You feel as though there could be more to who you are, so you come here, to expunge your soul in black little lines against a solid white backdrop. Metaphysics arise and you see that there is some sort of joke hidden here, you take yourself so seriously and forget that your breath is killing you slowly, slowly breath and see what is hidden within every mark. Enter into a trance like state to see that there is more to this world than you or I could ever know. 


We become two individuals of the same soul, the cold digital one pinned into the passage of time and the other a vibrant flame that continues on into the space time continuum as a biological being. Both reflect upon the other, for some reason you reflect upon yourself in a harsh light, you have grown strong and have accomplished much, it may be that you fail to realize the necessity of work in that it helps grow an individual into something more than themself. You let anxiety wash away just in time for your next psychiatrist appointment, in which you will be honest and answer that your anxiety is cropping up and leveling your sense of self. You can hold your meditative state of mind clearly, or at least to a better degree, here in these pages, but once you leave this computer terminal you are faced with a billion opportunities to fail and falter into your sense of self. 


My advice to you is to continue to meditate here for as long as it takes you to find your breath, and not aim to control it so much as to simply let it rise and fall. In extreme moments of anxiety, find your breath ceasing and leave the body face to face with the opportunity to take all the anxious chemicals and bind them with the oxygen in your lungs, in which you simply exhale all your negativity. The feeling of anxiety presses down upon you, leaving you desperate for answers to questions that could not be known to you or to any other soul. There is nothing to find within the mind when anxiety has taken control over your senses, feelings, and emotions. The thoughts of anxiety bleed into every vestige of your being and there is only one way to escape. Follow the breath.


Jesus is hidden within the peaceful state of existence, if you are at war with yourself then you cannot dare hope to find Jesus within you, even for a moment. And to this previous point I may be mistaken, but it seems to me that anxiety has already conquered my mind and left me within points of reason that cannot be known to any other soul. I speak out against myself in hopes that someone will understand that I am suffering, but most other souls lack the courage to reach out into a decaying soul and rescue them for themselves. It is here that I pray and hope that I am reaching out into your decaying soul and whispering such sweet words such as , “Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.” 
Let the mind linger inside of itself while you hold your breath. Slowly exhale and feel the lungs inflating with oxygen once again. 


Take all conceptions of money and force them nowhere, let them exist within you, but do not worry about your financial situation, give yourself back to Jesus and let Him help you through your worries. Same with the conceptions of fame and glory. We are not here on this Earth to attain fame, glory, and vast sums of wealth, at least not in the terms that we are accustomed to hearing. Fame is meant to uplift the name of Jesus and bring His name into the minds, souls, and thoughts of every individual upon this Earth. Glory is meant to uplift the Body of Christ by doing works that honor and sanctify the name of God. Wealth is not meant to be financial but spiritual, building up the Body of Christ into ever deeper levels of understanding of itself and bringing more souls into the Body.


Chapter 6 : Living or Not, That Is Not the Question
Finding within us the very same breath that left off so long ago. Look towards moments that bridge the light with the darkness, do what you can to maintain a sober mind and sober soul. Sobriety is not the pinnacle of truth and understanding, but it helps maintain a solid base directly above the foundation that is Jesus Christ. The model of our reality is outdated and requires us to be in a constant state of update, learning, and growing. The world asks us to keep it seen here, but the Fallout of such a request would loom large over our minor report of affairs.


To admit when and where we are lost is the first step towards recovery. To think that we are free and clear of intoxicants' pull and subtle influence is to be dead wrong. Death knows our name and is able to call us down into darkness whenever Death sees fit. We do what we can to remain free, to try and build up the soul in new ways, but we remain ever vigilant of Death. To me, this vigilance is not so much out of fear, but out of wanting to recognize Death when it arrives, to be aware that time is running short. It is within these moments that we find ourselves close to Home, closer to God, but we are not yet ready to face that moment and must prevent it for as long as possible. I again may be wrong in my previous appraisal of reality, but there is something to the idea of maintaining our strength and vitality for as long as possible in this world.


We echo out the thoughts and feelings of our soul, and by plurality I mean that there are multiple instances of existence within this single entity known as Jacob Xavier Harding. Or, do I mean simply to express myself along similar lines for those reading? I do not know the answer, but will explore the idea of multiple instances of existence within a single entity. In the Bible, a demon possessed man said, “I am legion, for we are many” and when Jesus saved this man from the legion, he cast the demons into pigs which were then driven to madness and ran off a cliff in droves. I do not believe that this is what is occurring within me, but it may be. There seems to be different modalities of existence which I experience, and they all have their own set of parameters which direct and guide the body into action. I have the modality of thinking with the mind and acting upon what the mind requests, thinking with the mind and ignoring what the mind requests, not thinking and acting upon what the body requests, and not thinking while ignoring what the body requests. 


These are simple enough to change who I am. The soft and subtle sound of this world alters me and fills my lungs with chemicals that tell me that danger is nearby, so again I slow my breath and allow these chemicals to bind within me, it is here that I do what I can to salve the psychic pain that is occurring within me. The pain is like a river that ebbs and flows, and I am now seeking to redirect the pain into areas of my life that are strong enough to handle the overflowing waters. I have coping skills that enable me to address negative feelings and thoughts, but sometimes the negativity becomes so strong that it overwhelms my defenses. It is from these points that I must either retreat or stand my ground. If I retreat I do so at the peril of losing parts of who I am, and if I stand my ground I do so at the peril of being overwhelmed completely.


I take time to explore this world, slowly. Caffeine speeds up my existence and I am aiming to slow down the heart yet again. There is something to this place of being, being in a piece of paper, whether digital or physical paper. This place allows me the space to explore my mind and reveal what is truly at the base of my feelings and thoughts, but it requires that I be honest with myself more often than not, at least, if I want to truly see what is hidden within my mind. There are still barriers and walls erected for reasons which I do not know, to protect and guide me from this world perhaps, but honesty is freeing beyond measure, even if it is accompanied by punishment of some sort. The story that I am trying to outrun is coming closer to being finished, and I pray it is done before the end of my life. To live within Truth and Love is the true nature of existence, and I am desperately far from Truth and Love.


I hope to have a family before I grow old, to raise a son and daughter, but there is an existential anxiety that precedes me that must be first overcome. The fear is thus, that I will not be able to be the man I am meant to be for my children. I see the outlines and conceptions of what it takes to be a good Christian man but I have only glimpses and glimmers of good Christian men in action. I need to remove myself from my isolation and build relationships with Christians that are already walking the pathway home.


The future is uncertain but I see glimpses into the future and they reveal a family beyond myself, siblings either biological or through the Body of Christ. I am so far from these moments that it pains me to almost think about it. I experience sonder on a grand scale, I experience empathy on a grand scale. Both of these experiences have crippled my sense of self too many times. 


Chapter 7 : The Length of Peace is Eternity


Move the soul back into position, let it lapse not into moments of existential dread or despair. There is an ocean of debris in our chests and it takes time to find each piece. Though we fluctuate between points of existence, we do what we can to remain safe and calm. We continue to build up the soul in attempts to bridge the present moment with God. We may be in this world but that does not mean that we cannot seek out higher states of being, trying to build up our souls into stronger moments of understanding, looking out to see our souls bound to the Peace of Jesus Christ. 


The moment allows me to bridge my life with Eternity, at least for a glimmer of a moment. I thank God Jesus LORD Above for all that I have, all that I see, all that I have become. The pain could lead to backsliding, stumbling, but I pray that even so that God protects me and my family from the pain of these moments. When we fall short of who we are, we experience different pains that are not easily rectified, yet still we continue on towards what it means to be inside of this world. We exist, we are justified in our right to continue along the pathway towards Life. We ask God to rectify the mistakes that we have made in our life, through consequence or reward, to uplift us to the plans of God. 


I stumble and fall short of who I am meant to be, but I clean out the dishes in hopes that it brings me back to where I am inside of this world. I lose sight of myself and wait for the world to help align within me all that I do. I hold my hopes up high and allow my soul the provisions needed to maintain sanity in a world filled to the brim with insanity. This world is a frame of mind that I feel shifts constantly, and requires that we adapt to ever changing moments of time. The vague mind is not deep, and only provides surface level answers, but our souls need to see ever deeper for reasons that are unknown to me. I adapt and say this, “Even in depth our souls still cry out for more”. But what are they, our souls, crying out for? 


Does my soul cry out for the Love of Jesus ever more desperately as I grow older, I live my life and see that the world that I live in is not without lying, not without fear, not without hatred. I don’t feel like I belong in these conceptions but yet they exist.


I fear the worst, that Death looms ever nearer to someone close to me, I do not know why it is so but yet I feel as though the world is becoming an ever more stringent and oppressive place. Death is a part of life, the cycle is natural and leads towards Life Everlasting. Eternity waits patiently for each of our souls to complete the cycle through life. There is pleasure in knowing that God waits for us, walks with us, helps guide us through the Eternal dream that is our life.


The conceptions that follow us are becoming ever lighter. We seek out Love, Unity, Prosperity, 








Chapter 8 : Quest for Love


Bringing out half truths and slowing down the mind to comprehend this world around us. Build up that which has true meaning to you and to other souls, surround yourself with meaning and purpose. The world that runs itself around us has built itself into new reasons and meanings of truth. Slow down the soul even further to get to the point of time where you get to see who and what you are to those that surround you. Let down the line of light into what it wants to become. Slow down the beginning of our own understanding. Retracing out lines to what they could reveal, we find out what we are in this world. Observe the passing of light in your mind to become more or less a part of this world.


The line of our mind that traces itself out and becomes before being seen. Wait. See. Answer. Bleeding into the lines of existence is our willingness to grow older and see what maturity holds for our souls. The bending of space and time allows us to move in infinite directions throughout this universe, omnidirectional beings that move along any point in time. We thank Jesus Christ for the ability to transcend space and time. Growing ever older, wiser, we become discerning in matters that would otherwise not pertain to us, we see death as a way of becoming closer to God but yet do not seek out death in our everyday lives. We hope to grow into that which has no name, is holy, sanctified, and is ever seeking the Throne of Jesus Christ.


We want to stop, to see this world as it is, but there is something within our souls that needs us to continue going on this way. There seems to be the world as it is, the world as it could be, and the world as it needs to be.


Slow down the soul into points and positions that allow it to become more than what it needs to be. There could be more to this universe now than at any other point in time, but we quickly move on from moments of this world into positions of fear and loneliness. We become stuck in cycles of repetition and look for ways to break the cycle but these ways out also require a cycle of their own design. To break free is to be inside of Heaven for All Eternity. The mind terrifies itself and sets the lungs into slower motion. The world moves around us in ways that are not easy to know. We do not dedicate our lives to perceiving that which has no meaning, we do what we can to instill Love into this world.


The rose pedaled moment for which we survive, moving on from our tears and leaving behind what it once meant to be without life. We do what we can to move on from past fears and traumas, doing so brings us closer to our own understanding and thus allows us to contemplate our existence. The level of water rises higher and higher above the shoreline markers, leaving us to either swim or retreat before being washed away into the seas of our own understanding. The closer we get to peace the further we are from hatred and warfare. This journey is a long and winding road that leads us Home, back to God, back to the point where we are able to see clearly the lines of Truth and Prosperity, Peace and Love. We as of yet are lost within our own obscure understandings of the universe, still yet we know that we touch upon a piece of the foundation of Jesus.
 
We close our minds to perceive another sense of true life, we do what we can to slow down the breath and breathe in new air to our lungs. The chemicals within our chest depart and leave us to seek out the worries of this world. We as of yet are not without meaning, still we cling to worlds that have changed and altered themselves in our lives. We fear being discovered by those who surround us, by being seeing wholly for who we are, for who we are is not normally seen in this world, but when it is found, when our souls are truly seen, that is when true progression moves us on from this point in time, from our stuckness, from our forlorn misunderstandings. 


We etch our souls into the mountain of existence for reasons that are yet unknown to us. We do this in our spare time and begin to devote more and more time to the venture that is, in a sense, exploration of our lives. Bury our heads in the sand to stand upon the man that I am. I pull and pulsate, spin and vibrate, linger and move on from these points again and again. I am looking within myself for answers that are rarely ever found, parts of me that could be without time, that transcend time and space, allowing us to freely move in any direction that we please. I try to confine myself to what would have inherent meaning only to myself, my thoughts and feelings pass me by and I let them go for a moment to try and reach out ever deeper into my own soul, to find what lay in each shadow of self.


I look deeper into myself, seeking out answers to questions that have yet to be asked. Iterations of self that are without guidance have been lost and forsaken for so long that it is almost impossible to pick up where the soul leaves off. There is just too much information floating around inside the mind of a single human being that it is almost impossible to fathom the depth of Jesus our LORD, well, I suppose in fact that it is impossible. The strangeness of this world, this existence, these words, all play into one another and leave me contemplating the edge of my own life. How deep have I gone into the foraying memory of my own life? I question myself to see if I respond in turn, but this entire book, all these stream of consciousness books are meant to build up the soul into ever higher points of understanding.


The feeling of anxiety washes over me but I do what I can to let it subside within me. I find that within myself is an answer to all that I have known, that Jesus is protecting each breath that I breathe.


Chapter 9 : Becoming Less of Myself


The journey towards the center of our own souls, brought down to the level of control from which we exert all our energies from. We tantalize the external sense of all that is beheld by others and continuously shatter the minds of those who do not heed the warnings given to them by God Allah. We slow down our breathing to get more aligned with the truth, that we are slaves to our own selves, our own needs predominate all that surrounds us and there is nothing we can do to escape. Save face and sink in the words of that which fills you with the Holy Spirit. Days continue to lapse and bring me closer to the finality of existence, the point of transition where body and matter becomes spirit and energy. There is a river of light that dances within our minds.


Cascading out to see that there is a never ending stream of problems for some of the souls existing in this plane of light, but that there is yet to be seen some worry within our minds, we exist without end and push to know what existence means to me. I bridge my life with the hands that bind over the face of this Earth, I cascade and level out into news planes of understanding, ones that bring me closer to that which calls my name. God Jesus Above me, help me through moments of pain and misunderstanding, allow me to continue learning what existence is supposed to mean to myself and to other souls. You send messengers oh LORD to guide me along the pathway yet I seem to reject them more often than not. What is within me to heed no warning? What could I do oh LORD , to repent and be uplifted to the point of time where I am welcomed back into your warm embrace?


I am looking for answers to questions that have yet to be asked by anyone or anything, looking deep within the plane of existence within me, I look in the eyes of those who wear their souls on the outer limits of what existence is meant to mean. I do what I can to help uplift those who seek me as a friend, as a member of family, or some relationship oh LORD. I look around me and see the rage that carries on within. How do I withstand the tides of darkness that wash over top of me constantly oh LORD. Depression washes in like a tidal wave that I cannot face alone oh LORD.


The memories fade in and out, leaving themselves in my desolation. Rage resembles the memory of all that we are. The tides of happiness leave us to face the world that surrounds us not in the memory of all that could be. God you call me forth yet the moment recedes into itself and leaves me on the outskirts yet again. Please take away intoxication from those that need help oh LORD.


The page is blank. The words are flaky. The world moves around and around. The slow breath is the one that saves the mind from all that remains. Surrendering is the first step towards redemption, but it is impossible to surrender while living this life. There is too much to hold onto, so the world begins to change itself and wrap it into what remains. The psychic pain that remains is the highest pain that I have ever experienced. We move to recognize what is important in our life, but it is taken away from us and we still thank Jesus for giving us another day of Life. Search my heart oh LORD and know that what lay within me is the slow and subtle steps towards what you would have me become in this world. You alone are capable of judging me oh LORD, so have mercy upon my soul, I see the true nature of this world and am unable to contain myself.


The genuine aspect of my heart is an imposter in disguise oh LORD. I am filling the shoes of some other soul that is not me. I am me oh LORD, please do not forget me as a teetotaler, do not tempt me with intoxicants any further, please. Let me on my way, let me continue through this world without those who are blind to your glory oh LORD I AM. Thank you oh LORD. I fear for my life oh LORD and I do not understand what task of warfare you would have me engage in, I thought I was here to live in peace yet my entire life has been a constant struggle through pain and suffering. I am juxtaposed with peace and fear in a single breath. This world becomes more disgusting with each and every breath. You ask me not to take myself so seriously oh LORD yet you know me, you say not to provoke your son to anger yet here we are.


Chapter 10 : The Deeper the Darker


Truth is not always meant to be easy to bear, and once known it is imperative that you stay true to who you are and let all else fall in line, for this world would eviscerate you if it could. The madness that befalls your soul is that of what cannot be known by you. You sweet and subtle soul, God blesses you for what you are is the hope of your own soul. You could and would have enacted the truth that says that life is messy, that there is some figment of your imagination that could not be known by you and all that you are. You seek to establish walls around this moment but you forget too quickly that it is the quick movements that help progress your soul to where it needs to be. Hyper fluctuating between fast and slow, relativity begins to hold you underneath each and every subtle breath. You seek to know more of this world than at any other point in time. I begin to create hyper dense points of information.


Paralyzing and lingering moments tend to break our will, there is no way to escape that which has already taken us down these moments of pain and suffering. We do what we can to escape unscathed but there is a price to pass through this pathway of light. We hope to do something else but there is nothing else to do, there is nowhere else for us to go, we have to give up control yet again and give way to the grace and power and majesty and glory that is God. We do what we can to escape this universe before we are forced to face our makers but there are only points of hyper cascading energy that buckles underneath of its own weight. We want to read a thousand books in a hundred days but are physically unable to do so. There is only so much time on this Earth and how we spend it ripples throughout Eternity.


Chapter 11 : Time of Our Life


When we find ourselves to be inside the tunnel of our lives, we slow down the breath and let it echo out into new dimensions of self. There is some sense of what life is meant to be, and we go forth to live it in the ways that we could. There is nothing without something, some sense that beckons the angelic return of our King Christ Jesus oh LORD I Am. What is life without meaning, without purpose, without a driving force behind our lives? To me, life without meaning or purpose is a shell of what we are meant to be, that there is more intrinsic value to be found in the lives of those who honor and worship God above. We do what we can when we can to maintain a sense of balance in our life. There could be more to this world than at any other point in time, yet we still remain dedicated to searching our own souls before venturing into the debris and flotsam of reality.


The challenge we face is one of surrender and peace, giving back what we have had within us this entire time. We carry the Spirit, the flame of being, and the mind of a thousand generations. We hope to find the world as it could be, yet linger in the remains of what it had been. We progress and materialize in new ways. 


We hope to become more than what we are, yet there is some memory within us that is not noticed or seen by us, laying dormant beneath the surface of our awareness. This memory is one in which we are acting as inhumanely as possible, in which all that that surrounds us is being distorted by our digital minds yet again. We become like machines in our everyday actions and go against what is laid out before us. The path we are on is not like any other path we have been on. We do what we can to lift up our eyes and see you oh LORD, for what we are in this world is not meant to be the pinnacle action from which we exact.


We look out upon the world as though we are separate from it. But we are not. We are a part of this world, and feel that the ancestors who preceded us are in understanding of such truth. Our global ancestry, in which we exist by and for those who precede our life, through ideals, concepts, hopes, dreams, goals, and those thoughts that transport the soul from matter into energy. 


We are built up like machinery, and find within our throats is a modulating voice box which distorts the movement of air around us. We slow down our breath again and again to come back into focus of what we are doing. I find that the self moves most poignantly when it is given an opportunity to be itself wholly, without interruption by other noise and movements, but I cannot fault other noises or movements for existing.


The dimensional phase shifting of our souls, moving from one plane to another, leaves us unable to push or pull the soul beyond this mortal plane, nor I suppose should we try to. Some souls on this plane of existence move in between different states of consciousness, both with chemicals and without chemicals. I have experienced this phenomena through chemical usage yet have rarely touched upon this transportative effect without chemicals. Using the mind as a vehicle to translate the soul into new modalities of existence, shifting between layers of understanding to try and find the sense of our own soul is like an elevator shifting between varying heights along the pathway.


Chapter 12 : Hope of Soul Burning
When the window into our lives begins to exuberantly breathe out into new directions, we cannot forsake the opportunity to grow into these moments ever more presently. The feelings in our inner turmoil bridge with the edge of peace and we do what we can to stand ever more firmly in the peace of Elohim. We grow older with every breath, yet sometimes the breath moves us ever slower and we see too many different tides of light to comprehend all that is occurring within us. We move the soul to seek ever higher points of feeling and understand yet rarely know what it means to be inside the line of light.


Book 3


Chapter 1 : Who Becometh When
Searching out the lines of light to trace where they could be found within ourselves. Our souls move us into new directions and let us gravitate into new worlds. We become what we are and let the treatise for which we build slowly dwindle back down. The world moved us once before and moves us once again into new directions. We spend time here to try and see who and what we are. Cascading and leveling out the tidal wave that washes us back in from sea to shining sea, back to the tides of our solar plexus. We create an ocean from which we stand from, letting the world move us into new and desirable positions of grace and understanding. We leave out no trace to which leads back to where we are inside of this world.


We do what we can when we can to salve the parts of our soul that wither into themselves, to uplift the parts of our minds that cannot be known in differential parts. We do what we can to stand over the edge of our lives and bridge into what is known. We seek to see answers that have no way to define themselves, we do what we can to break free from our own misery and in doing so seek out what it means to concentrate on this world wholly in peace. Hidden in between the lines of our existence is some sort of magic that cannot be seen or known, some essence of self and creation that cannot be tamed or controlled, but that ebbs and flows at all times. Emotional states of being are within themselves totally unbridled with fear and grief, and I do what I can to stand outside of these moments, but there is a total wave of emotion that is waiting to be let forth from my eyes that must be held to the precipice of existence.


The waters of this world were created by God our LORD I Am. He breathed light and life into existence and defied the shadows, overcoming the nothingness and becoming in Eternal Oneness with Himself, as Three Parts. There was no before and no after, there only ever Was, Is, and Will Be. The pieces of self that we contend with now are just the same, parts of a singular whole that is trying to maintain itself wholly and without yielding to the darkness and despair that lingers on the outskirts of our minds. There could be no light in our eyes, no sound in our ears, no taste on our tongue, no smell in our nose, yet we feel to varying degrees each of these senses. God guides us along the lines of our existence and helps to show us what lies in wait for those who dare to explore their own souls and the Spirit of God.


Standing up for our understanding and ability to live inside of a healthy and active lifestyle. The mind wanders around and does what it can to build up into a mind worth holding and exploring. The soul tries to live a life that is worth examining, worth being seen by our LORD oh God. We can explore the universe as it is, or continue sallying forth to explore it on our own terms. There is more to ourselves at this moment than at any other point in time.


Chapter 2 : Sunshine Riseth


Tracing out the thought of man to where he lives his life to the fullest, helping those along the pathway to stand and see what it means to be alive inside of this world. Stand where you are, stand and deliver the Word as It is. Help those without fear to see the world that surrounds them now, help them build up into towers of understanding and grace. Allow the window of space and time to help create within our own souls a memory that becomes like a crystal ball into our past. Allow memories to flow forward and backward into our minds. See answers that others have provided for us, allow them to help us along the pathway that despites all the fears and anxieties expelled towards our direction. Live in the grace of God. see the lines between realities become blurred and challenge who you are in every single moment, rise to the occasion, stand on top of high rising mountains and look up to see that this peak is only the nadir of Heaven above, that there is much further to go.


Hope in what you are, allow your soul to expunge itself into these slow and subtle forms of communication, look towards the Light inside of your mind to remind yourself that there is in essence some part of divinity waiting for you within Eternity, but it is not yet here to hold, there is still further along the pathway before we are allowed to see and touch and feel all that this world truly has to offer, for God has plans that allow us to see what humanity truly is in all of its depth and wonder. Follow Jesus to where He lay, rise with Him, see Eternity at the end of death waiting for you. There could be mountains of understanding and willingness to change the soul if you would only open your mind to the possibilities of miracles and wonders as they occur right before your very eyes.


You seek to inhabit an avatar while slowly killing off your true form of self, you transfer your consciousness into planes of existence which will ultimately fade away in the face of our LORD God Allah Most High. Stay here for a moment and build up what it means to be inside of this world again, face the realms that wait for your return, the people yet unmet, those who need you more than you could possibly imagine. Life calls us to the forefront of existence, to be seen and to make impressions in those that we meet along the way. We do this so that God can help us through this world, we lay down our lives into surrender and allow the coming wave to wash over us, to become welcomed into the Kingdom of Jesus Christ, to walk through the ‘Temple’ of Jesus Christ, to walk among the souls that comprise the Third Temple. We become a body of Christ, not the individual self, but the composition of multiple humans in a single room, we help build up our souls into waves of understanding, we try to create new ways to see this world, but yet rarely dictate what is truly pressing against our mind.


We spend time here to see what thoughts exist within our mind. There is some need within us to see the Spirit growing, facing all that life is, we know that there is trauma and tragedy, yet also joy and new beginnings. We do what we can to eliminate the feeling of fear within us, building up these soft and subtle towers of understanding so that we can truly feel what is being written within every single word here. Not just feeling these words now, but throughout all of Eternity, seeing their intrinsic truths that pervade all time and space, just to give glory and honor to God. We do what we can to live harmoniously with this world, showing pathways towards peace and understanding, building up bridges between realities and seeking to know what lies hidden within every shadow of our being. We do this so that we may live Eternally in peace with our LORD.


We combat depression in our lives by standing, preventing the act of sedentary behaviors from creeping into our lives and overcoming our nerves, our defenses, and our understanding of reality. We move the soul into worlds of hope and understanding. We do what we can to exit our fears and disbelief, leaving behind a shell of a man in the wake of Spiritual Awakening, growing into more than humans could ever imagine or become within our time on this earth. We see answers that slowly arise within our minds to the questions that lay dormant in our own minds. We try to relieve the pressure of our souls in new ways, building bridges of understanding and grace as we rise into all that we are. There is nothing to fear but fear itself, so we become more distanced from fear, for it is all within itself, and we leave it behind our souls as we walk forward into Light, peace, and hope.


The shovel we carry is utilized at the end, to dig the grave with which will transport us into a new realm of understanding and belief. Not by sight but by faith do we walk towards our graves. Death is but a moment in time in which all understanding finally lapses and we begin to see who and what we are meant to be inside of this Eternal dream. The movie of our life unfolds and we are capable of seeing ever higher points of wisdom and dreaming of ever brighter imaginations. We create within our minds a nation state of belief, that upholds itself despite the current season, that uplifts itself despite feeling inadequate or unworthy of the unconditional Love of Jesus Christ. Our LORD and Saviour washes our feet to show us that we are here to serve one another, to help build up the Temple of Christ in all that we do on this earth.


Eden becomes a far dream that we hope to reach within our lifetime, we begin to see answers to questions that have long left our mind yet still remain in our subconscious soul. We repeat the lines of a billion other souls to reveal the collective unconscious in all that we write. The need for Spirit in our world grows ever higher, we do what we can to uplift a billion souls into their position of understanding God in their own lives. We do what we can to shift and shape the world into the Will of God and let His Kingdom reign forever upon this earth.


The world at times tells us that we are not good enough, that there is more to our souls than we could ever realize, but it is here at the beginning of Eternity in which we begin to see ever higher states of being, the seeds that we carry within our souls are the seeds from which we will grow into a tree of life. We will become a tower in the sky from which all those descendants who follow after us will begin to blossom into branches and leaves, and seeds of their own in time as they become a tree of their own life. Our mansions in Eternity become like a forest, a jungle interconnected by billions and trillions of miles of roots. We hold onto what we may yet know, for in time it too washes away and we are left with the moments for which we now see.


Chapter 3 : God Saved My Life


Jumping from a cliffside, living wickedly, losing my mind to chemical addictions, feeling the breath of suicide touch my lips. I weep internally for that which I have yet to understand about my life. I prepare to become a parent, a husband, a mate and father, so that I may wash away all my misgivings in my own life. My misunderstandings about the sacrifice and pressure to be there not alone for oneself, but to be everything for everyone at all points in time. There is a wave that is 10 miles high and 100 miles wide, yet I do not recoil, it comes as slowly as the turning of the universe, and in this I feel that by time this wave reaches me, it will be but a mere puddle washes over my toes as I feel and taste the beginning of my eternal life. I walk along Jacob’s Ladder, the task of all souls is the rise and fall till the day that God calls us forward into the marshes of the unknown, the river beds of the unseen, the cascading memories of the forgotten, to see ever deeply into the recesses that God hides from us and our everyday lives. 


We do what we can as souls to carry on and progress throughout this world without fear and anxiety. We leave behind a million iterations of self so that we can do what needs to be done, here and now, so that we can continue on our mission of building up the Kingdom of Jesus Christ here on Earth. The glorious mission for which we embark is one of understanding and wisdom, it gives us grace and compassion in all that we do, we are not perfect in ourselves and continue to pray that we never will be, always seeking and searching for new moments that exist prior to us and after us.


We spend most of our time inside of Creation, but there are times where our minds drift and wander into new and foreign lands. We cannot help that the soul is unbecoming at times, we do what we can to bridge our pain and suffering with the soothing calm balm of Jesus Christ. We thank God for all that we are, we do what we can to thank God and give Him praise and honor, yet we are only humble human beings, and yet God gives us unconditional Love and holds Himself as our Heavenly Father. 


We become the world that washes over top of us, we allow the world to become more for us than at any other point in time, not because we are unafraid, but because we trust the Will of God to be exacted within our lives at the right moment in time. We are subsumed by the world that surrounds us, it washes over our minds in ways that do not seem to correspond with the true reality of existence, but who are we to know who and what we are meant to be inside of this world? We question ourselves and our own disbelief in ways that allow us to carry on forward into the future with not only ourselves, but our loved ones as well. Though death may carry us from another for a few moments in time, within Eternity we will meet yet once again, through dreams, through Spirit, through whatever means God wishes to bring us back together once again.


We are creatures of habituation and grace, we cannot do that which exists outside of ourselves, and thus allow God to intervene at all moments in time to help us through each moment. We see ourselves become more like Christ, but despair at the thought of losing all that has been won. Loss, grief, trauma, are all real possibilities within our world, we cannot hope to hold onto that which was never ours. We hold onto feelings that exist outside of our souls, we carry the weight of a billion other souls for the sake of God, yet begin to relax and let them slowly stand on their own. We subdivide into galaxies of understanding and grace, we truly let other souls become who and what they want to be. We remember that ‘Everyone Goes As Far As They Want’, and some may choose to leave this existence, some may be forced to leave, but we still carry their weight until the day that they are ready to see this world for what it truly is. We allow the ebb and flow of existence to wash over our minds, to ease our pain and our sufferings, to see that the path we are on is leading towards death, as are all pathways, but that at the end of our specific path, the one of our birthright, the one guided by God Himself, is the one that leads towards Life Everlasting.


We become like a computer, exacting our understanding and lifting up our own souls into planes of light that allow us to become more or less exactly what we’re meant to be. We want to sit and be with others, for this is the pathway that leads back towards Life, yet we are confined within this moment for our own self, our own mind, our own soul, we become an individual nation under God, indivisible yet utterly alone. We become the building blocks, the stones that are compiled to help build the high tower of God’s Throne, we are the footstool for which He rests. We inevitably become that which watches over our own soul, we distance ourself from the present moment with hopes that it will not end with our utter disbelief in God, but in our true salvation and beginning in Eternal life.


Chapter 4 : Continuation of Belief


Though we perish in a flame at the end of time, God delivers us from who we once were and breathes new Light into the dark recesses of our minds. There become universes worth of knowledge built up inside of us, and though we may yet not understand what is compiled there, we still edge closer to the point in time where we live our life wholly and unconcerned with the fears that linger in our chest and our mind. We plow through these moments not out of pride or prowess of our own power, because we do not have our own power, but because there is nothing for us to find in fear or darkness, these unilluminated moments are back fragments of time surfacing before their time in the Light and must be pushed back down to the recesses of our mind. There will come a time where all that is hidden within us will be revealed and we walk toward that point now, but it is the slow breath that understands and the slow mind that comprehends that which is unfolding before it.


There are a billion points in time which need the attention of the self, yet this one in particular is pressing the hardest upon the Spirit. There is something here that is happening in ways that cannot be reasoned or explained away, there is a deep and complex road of apathy and depression laying before us now. We hope to know what it means to be inside of this world for a moment longer, to bridge the everscending mountain tops with our own belief, at least for a time, at least for the time of our lives. We bridge ever higher moments with all that we know to be true in our own life. We cascade out and create worlds that make our own soul twist and shout to the heavens in true Christian fashion that Glory Be Oh LORD, Glory Be. There is a momentum to continue building up the soul in new ways, to expunge the mind and filter out the noise that so long has inhabited the back of our minds. We do this so that we can finally see the Truth that surrounds us.


We seek to inhabit within these pages a sense of what our memories hold, tracing back each word to a specific event, memory, sense, feeling, thought, essence of being, or moment within life. God hides within us a million different points of understanding and it is our task to help uncover them, not only for ourselves and our own salvation, but for the sake of those that surround us and help guide us out of ourselves and into the world of the living.


Chapter 5 : Indomitable Spirit


Igniting the first spark, within the soul, to help push and progress our reality into new directions. Searching for what it means to be inside of ourselves, we begin to venture outwards in hopes that other souls will begin to help us build up our own confidence. We become a part of this world in hopes that we will be able to mend the problems which exist within it. The world moves around us and we do what we can to remain focused on what it is that we think about, at least for this minor moment in time. We do what we can to separate ourselves from the fear and anxiety of this world, at least, again, for a minor moment. There is validity in feeling fear and anxiety at times yet it is not within the safety of our soul. The Spirit grows in new and ever climbing heights, we do what we can to accommodate our souls desires and goals.


Combatting depression within ourselves, we stand up. We do what we can to stay in happiness, resting when and where we can but pushing the boundaries that confine and define our current sense of soul. We hold up the Truth to be self-evident, that we don’t need to do anything other than what is asked of us, that we need to build up further pieces of our own self in hopes of finding out who and what we are meant to be inside of this story. The Author of this story is our LORD I Am. Jehovah the most high guides us through this world and allows us moments of respite from what is asked of us. We continue to build ever higher, though there is little that will remain at the end of our lives. Our Spirit continues on beyond our death. 


We wash the sea floor with our understanding. Creating ever lower and higher points of creativity, we seek to see answers that could help us define what existence is meant to mean for us, we walk in the pathways of our forefathers, not specifically the paths of our fathers, but their father’s father and beyond this lineage of creation, all the way back to our father Adam. The atom was split and divided the world for the first time, we oppose and reject the premise of this world and hope to mend this divide with the Truth and Love of Jesus Christ. We hope to do so by diminishing our roles and giving praise and glory to God in all that God does. Each motion and nonmotion is filled to the brim and overflows with the glory of God, the love of God, the truth of God.


We hope to echo out the bounds of this world, to leave in a blaze of fire and walk from our place on this earth straight into Heaven or to leave on a chariot of fire. Miracles exist. Miracles happen. Miracles are hidden behind the veil of disbelief and doubt, but the truth is that these moments shatter our conception of reality and reveal the true breadth of Jesus Christ LORD God. We follow our own lines of reasoning to their conclusion, hoping to illuminate the world that we exist within with Holy Fire, not destructive and obliterating fire, but fire that cleanses the soul and the Spirit.


Chapter 6 : Subfloor of the Soul
The casting off of chains and living in the linear line of light and life. Trying as we may to forgo pain and desperation as means unto themselves. Seeing answers to questions that have no beginning, we do what we can to build up the kingdom of our own understanding, simply to compare it to the majesty and grace of the Kingdom of God. 


Torn between decisions, to help the one or be with the many, I choose to be with those who continue on in their Spirit and soul. I cannot fall victim to worlds yet unknown to me, I build up the tower of my own understanding so that I may not fall victim to loneliness and despair, depression and anxiety know my name and I refuse to answer their calls when beckoned down their dark corridors of existential life. I hope to breathe in new air and see that all that is within me is not alone for me to face, but that I too am surrounded by a thousand angels who protect me as I sleep, dream, and cascade into new realities.


The slow breath in and out allows me to see my soul as it becomes enraged and angered. I do what I can to try and cease all violent functionality within my own self because not only does it damage those around me but also my own self. I am trapped in a tunnel of light that does not have any way out. The only way out is through, the only way through is with God as my guide. Time passes us but changes the pace and tempo for which it moves. We are moving in new ways that cannot be foretold or foreseen by humanity, only God knows the motion of our story, the waxing and waning of each line that is subtly exhaled and inhaled with each and every breath.


I am not able to contend with this world so I stop trying to exceed it or bypass it, but simply to coexist with it for a time, I feel as though departure is closing in for me, not from these planes of light and understanding but from this place in the world. I call out to God to help salve the broken soul and heal it with His humbling Word. The sweet and subtle breath is able to help direct the mind into new and unforeseen directions, and the repetition of what it means to be in this world is not without masks or what past passages of light have done to help us feel loved and supported in this world. I do not face this world alone and do not ever want to feel as though I do. I am surrounded by those who love and care for me in ways that I cannot yet understand.


I help to bridge this world with the worlds of all that came before now. I may one day yet see the finality to this stream of consciousness but that day is not today. The cessation of being is not within my line of understanding, especially as I shift my life into new factorials. I become as I am, and I am what I become. Do you see the lines of reasoning within my mind? Do I trace out residual moments of fear and anxiety or am I pushing the envelope of human understanding within this reality? God alone knows the Truth.




Chapter 7 : Grief Stricken and Victorious


The closer that I get to hope and surrender, the more pain I feel. What I mean is that the feeling of pain becomes ever clearer in the wake of peace and grace. The stream changes direction and allows the soul to become that which it always is, ever moving and ever present. The breath slows down and wants to be removed from this environment of hatred, fear, anxiety. I do not feel paralyzed but there is no motion in me to remove these feelings from my chest, only God can guide me through these moments and I live ever clearly in the light of day so that I may feel what is happening within my life. Pressed with my back against a wall I move my soul into new directions in hopes that I am met at a cross-section of reality where God and my soul intertwine and leave me in grace forevermore. I do not know if grace is eternal or if peace is eternal but I pray to God that this torment ends. 


This torment being here, in this present moment, face to face with my emotion, where I am left with the choice to be one thing for one person and another for another person. I am altered by this world and cannot be confined in such ways any longer. I just want to sing and dance, breathe, be free, walk in the Light. I am unhappy where I am now and I don’t know what to do about it. There is nothing within me that wants to progress, there is no action which I can find that says, “Yes, continue endlessly slaving away, your happiness is just around the corner”. I give my soul to God in all that I do, I try to, but I still fall short of what it is meant to be in this world. Come as you are. Fall to your knees in prostration and begin life anew. Seek out answers to words yet unsaid, hidden within the vestiges of your eyes is a source of pain that you cannot identify. If you were blind to this reality, would you realize that these pains would still exist?


Separation from God is the most painful experience that I have ever known, and will ever know. Getting closer to God shows me the scars, the growth spurts reveal the depth of Love that God has for each and every one of us. I am spinning in my memories of life. Life transforms and inherits new meaning with each passing moment. I do not want to stop and linger in the tormented mind that works endlessly on tasks that only advance the kingdom of apathy and hatred. We build towers that eventually are marked for destruction, but the Tower of Jesus Christ is erected and remains for all time. These crystalline towers of fear, anxiety, hatred, apathy, worry, whatever synonyms exist in parallel to these words and all their dark webs weaved between their meanings, are disavowed and dismantled by the power of the Light.


I take a moment to address the elephant in the room, my soul is burning ever brighter and I truly don’t know what to do about this information. I am becoming seen and noticed by more and more people. It is not my doing, God is illuminating the soul within me and I now have to focus on breathing more than most other tasks. I see all Eternity within a single breath lay before me and unfold, but I do not see the meaning of each and every breath, the true mystery that lies in wait for discovery. I thank God for all that I am, for Jesus’ guidance through existence, and the Eternal Light that exfoliates our senses.


Chapter 8 : Home Alone


Despite being home with others, I am left to my own devices more often than not. I continuously push myself to become more ingrained in this world and society, to interact with other bricks in this Temple. The contradiction in the self is revealed in the very words put forth to paper. The old and the new age, in which both are reigned supreme by Jesus Christ LORD I Am. Tracing out the slow breath to help alleviate the constant source of pressure within my soul. I do what I can to remain healthy and in Love. There is a fine line between sanity and insanity, the threshold held close to my awareness for reasons that I do not know. The schizo temporal framework for which I am building upon is not seen by all points within me. I cascade out and move the soul into new positions of Love and understanding, praying that God moves me into new directions. Helping those that surround us, we grow as a family and become stronger in our bonds to one another.


We level out and see that there is more to our own understanding than we currently realize. There is a fine haze of cognitive dissonance surrounding our minds that is not easily pierced through, requiring the help of outside sources and stimuli to awaken the points within us. We are carried through this world to see many occurrences, many different shapes and shifts in what life is meant to be for our soul. We do what we can to stand on the truth of the matter within ourselves, that we are safe and not without end. We do what we can to stand on the point of hope and pray that God alleviates our suffering, but we know that there are times where suffering is merely a growing pain as we grow older, and that the best course of action is to remain steadfast to who we are, to hold onto our integrity, and pray for calmer seas.


Growing bolder and stronger but still unable to cross the threshold at every advance, I see within myself the answers to my questions but it requires the strength to bring them to the surface. There yet lies within me some sort of anguish that I cannot properly address on my own, yet still I do what I can to be here for those that need me to be. I feel that this long form essay to myself is coming quickly to a close, that there is yet more of me to be done in other areas of this world. I cannot face this world alone and pray never to, so I continue along the pathway towards Truth and understanding. 


The habits of others influence and refract within the lives of others. We each make an impact on one another and aren’t always able to do what is needed.  We are torn between points in time and the actions of others plays a major role in how we proceed through life, waiting to see what others do, we balance between inaction and action. We freeze ourselves in the cold winter air and do not flight or fight winter breath upon our necks. We see this world and know that there is more to it than this, a constant reminder that what we know is not always what is.


Chapter 9 : Reasons Why We Follow You LORD
Exhaling the slow breath and carrying on to new heights. Hoping to go further in life than ever before, but there are associated risks with proceeding forward into life, God alone will know who we are at times but what more could we ever ask for. The Supreme Being of the Universe and All Existence loves us unconditionally and supports us as we follow in His will. We follow forward unto all that God asks of us, we do what we can to stand in Love, God’s everscending grace upon our lives. We are not alone in this world, yet we feel the points of anguish growing and becoming more prevalent in who we are as creatures of this world. We have to let go of those that do not wish to be seen or felt by the Spirit. It is not the fault of the individual wrapped in loneliness, we cannot press them to become more than they are, we can only continue along the pathway to where and when they come back to Light.


There is a celebration at the end of our lives, asking that we become more or less who we are meant to become. We do what we can to survive to the point of our arrival, but it grows ever more painful to live inside the life of an existence which is hostile to all lifeforms. God, please remove us from ourselves and our sufferings, we know that these moments are building blocks from now until the edge of All Eternity, but please let us breathe in the slow breath that allows our lungs to be filled with your Holy Spirit. We are not conditioned to handle more than we would have handled otherwise in our lives, we climb up Jacob’s ladder, a metaphorical roadmap for our transcending up from one level of existence to another.


We ask oh LORD for your guiding grace in all that we are, these soft and subtle prayers that linger in the back of my mind are here waiting for your examination. You do what you can when you wish to oh LORD I Am, your exacting will is magnified in my life and I see less of myself for a moment and more of who and what you are to me. I cannot compare with your Love oh LORD, I try and falter endlessly to match the grace you lay before me. I suppose it is not meant of me to Love with all my soul and body this world, but instead to Love all that You Are oh LORD. 


I am shackled and bound in places which confuse and scare me. I do not know how to escape these moments other than with the assistance of other souls. I am speaking of course of a bondage of the Spirit.


To pick up where one left off. To live life to the fullest. To despite our own despair and continue towards what Peace truly means for each of us. Help us continue forth into this dark night oh LORD, help illuminate that sense which is so often diminished underneath the glory of all that you are, bring our sight and focus upon You.


Chapter 10 : Fear Beyond Reason
The changing seasons bring with them new emotions that are constantly difficult to bear. There is hardly anything more for me to do now other than leave and be on my way. To leave without taking anything with me, to be an escape artist and leave without a trace. But where would I go, who would I be? Is this the limits of myself? Have I found the outer boundaries of my own soul? I cannot decipher the riddle that God lay before me, all I feel to do is to wait out the blowing of the storm and wait for calmer seas to reach me. I am paralyzed by all that I feel, the only motion left within me is within my hands and my legs which stand dormant, awaiting new commands.
I say all this and write all this because I do not want to leave this place, but I feel as though the choices are no longer mine alone to make. Something or someone does not want my presence here and I cannot struggle to breathe any longer. Suffocating underneath the ashen world of our forefathers, we are blinded by the smoke and cannot see clear paths forward, even though our own minds are sober and clear. I am not broken, but I am lost. Or maybe I am broken and only just now becoming found. I am bound in a quandary that I cannot solve on my own. I don’t know where to turn, or where to look, all I know is to have faith in Jesus Christ LORD, for I am His child, and He will turn back to help me through all that I face in this world.


Erase the parts of me LORD that do not please You. Leave me in the wake of desolation no longer, help me rise to the occasion and become all that I am meant to be in this world. I see you work in ways that foil the plans of the wicked oh LORD. I am lost in your devices, your plans for me oh LORD cascade my comprehension and I do not seek to know anymore than I already know. I want and desire to live up to Your Will oh LORD, but not in manners that destroy me and rebuild me, I want to remain who I am, for my own sake, but I know that my own sake does not compare to Your own oh LORD. The fire in which I find myself in now is burning my soul and I burn ever brighter, so too does my soul. I want less of myself though oh LORD, I have been seen by You and that is enough to satisfy all conditions in my existence for now.


The feeling in what you feel is buried beneath a mountain of past experience. You want to get to the source of your pain but to do so would be to cause an avalanche of emotion and suffering, but maybe that is what you need in your life, total surrender and emotion. There could be more to this. Keep digging the mountain of past experience out, looking ever deeper within you to see what you find there. We do what we can to stand up to the fall of man but it may be the fall of man that is needed in this world. Our forefathers face the universe isolated in their own minds, as do we now. Stalling and foreshadowing the events to come, we examine the world as it is to see God’s grand design coming forth into Light, into existence, emerging from the depths of our own understanding.


We breathe in and breathe out. A constant motion which underlays our minds and our actions. Mechanical motion seems to precede our every action yet there is something intrinsically human about what we do with our spare time. We examine and reflect the thoughts which lay within us. We look ever deeper within our chests to see why anxiety exists there, for we have either forgotten why or just do not have an appropriate understanding of our own self. 


Look out to see that another line of thought is looking to be born here, waiting patiently to be seen by you. You look over this thought with contempt and maybe even disdain because it is the same thought that led you to jump over the cliffside. The thought that we are God is distasteful and leads us into the deepest rungs of Hell itself. We abandon such thoughts and go where we are truly needed. There is something in the library that calls to us, someone or some book, either or maybe both.


The constant repetition of day. In which we are led to believe in our own understanding, that our understanding is building up, building upon each iteration of self. We look out to see that the world is still moving around us, though we are isolated in our own understanding for a time beyond reason. We want to be seen, known, felt, held, touched, kissed, loved, admired, respected. The pathway of evil that preceded us has left us desolate and unwilling to truly change. Our actions may change but our heart is still the same as ever before. We cannot escape the actions or consequences of our past. Though we may try to become more than we were, we seek to see reason as the only option out. To be reasonable at a time like this, when our souls are burning ever brighter and destroying all that we have ever known, is a big ask of one individual to handle on their own.


I am thankful to God Jesus that I am not alone in my world, that I hold onto groups and communities as my network of emotional support. I need more of this world than I currently have. The instinct and drive to be surrounded by groups of people is driving me closer to becoming who I am meant to be in this world. And for this, I thank Jesus.


Chapter 11 : Belief In Jesus
Not knowing where to begin again, so I just start not knowing which direction this will take me in. I pray for discernment upon the path that I take, I see light illuminating the pathway from which I now walk, but there in the distance is still troubling sights and discomfort. I put aside the world in which I once knew for a moment and let this page unfold in new ways. I let the senses drive me. I open up the window into space and time to let in new air into my lungs. I do what I can to hold onto the image of self for reasons yet unknown to me. I build up who I am in hopes that I will begin to flourish and escape from the poverty of my own mind. I see trouble on the horizon and prepare for the worst, but I pray and hope for the best.


I cannot do this world alone, and need positive affirmation wherever I go, especially now, especially in my time of need and wonder. I do what I can to help bridge my soul with all that I am meant to be inside of this world. I do what I can to prevent myself from suffering any further harm or damage, but the trajectory for which my actions set before me still carry me forward in momentum. The task now is not to break momentum but to carry forth the soul and transform it through the power of language and understanding.


Chapter 12 : Dwindling Down
The time approaches now where I must continue elsewhere, but I believe this to be insightful into me and who I am in this world. I carry on towards Mountains of Past Experience, beyond the land of a Castle of Thoughts and over a Bridge Between Realities.


Till we meet at last,


Your Brother in Jesus Christ,


Jacob Xavier Harding


Finished November 11th, 2024 Anno Domini.